M. D. Anderson Patients and Spouses Learn to Care for Each Other

When Nancy Strander was diagnosed with an aggressive abdominal sarcoma a few months ago, life as she and her husband of 23 years had known it came to a screeching halt.

The seriousness of Strander's illness became the focus of every day. Suddenly she was the patient, and her husband, Knute, the caregiver.

The Stranders traveled from Folsom, La. to The University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, hoping to find the best treatment available for Nancy's cancer. But excellent medical care was not all the couple found at M.D. Anderson. They also found a renewed sense of closeness as a couple.

"Since my diagnosis, our relationship has become more special, more spiritual," says Strander. "It was close before, but now it's deeper."

The Stranders work together in their fight against Nancy's disease. They credit a sense of humor and an ability to communicate openly with getting them through the difficult days of chemotherapy and surgery.

"Our solution has been to be ourselves, and not to try to hide anything or save each other's feelings," Strander says.

Sister Alice Potts, a chaplain at M.D. Anderson, says open communication is the key to coping with a serious illness like cancer. Because cancer is a disease that affects not only the patient, but also everyone in a family, she maintains that being able to discuss feelings is essential to keeping relationships strong.

"Caregivers need to give themselves permission to feel what they feel and know it's okay," Sister Potts says. "Being honest is healthy."

Like the Stranders, many couples dealing with cancer learn to embrace the life changes that the disease brings, focusing on using change to grow and develop richer relationships.

Joyce and Don Dutcher have made a point of changing their lives to meet the challenges brought on when Don's renal cell carcinoma recurred last summer.

When the couple's anxiety levels escalated following Don's recurrence, Joyce decided she needed to care for herself first in order to adequately care for Don.

"I knew it was important for me to come to grips with my own fears first," Dutcher says. "Now, we're a team. We fight Don's disease from every angle, through treatment, education and by taking care of ourselves both physically and spiritually."

In between appointments, the couple attends movement and relaxation classes at M.D. Anderson's Place ... of wellness. They also walk together every evening.

"We're thankful for each day, and thankful to know what we're fighting. That gives us a chance to plan, to shift gears and to prepare," Dutcher says.

One way the couple prepares is by transferring important details about insurance companies, credit cards and bills into a single address book.

Although Don handled most of the couple's business transactions in the past, Joyce can now access anything she needs on days when her husband doesn't feel up to the task.

"We're making transitions along the way. We're not giving in, just adjusting to our new situation," she says.

Support groups also provide structured ways for couples to deal with changes brought about by cancer. At M.D. Anderson, a Families Living with Cancer support group gives patients as well as caregivers opportunities to discuss their feelings with other people going through similar experiences.

Caregivers often say they are relieved to find other people dealing with the same kinds of issues and emotions. For example, some caregivers feel stress from serving as the information conduit for friends and family. They find it difficult to simultaneously come to grips with their own emotions, encourage and support the patient, and remain a strong, reliable source of information for family and friends.

Sheila Shipston arrived at M.D. Anderson from W.Va. the day after Christmas while caring for her husband, a thymoma patient. She admits that putting on a brave face for her family at home often was difficult, and she says that getting away from the telephone and going to the M.D. Anderson chapel or taking a short walk provided time to sort through her feelings.

Sister Potts says accepting each other "as is", is another way couples can help each other cope with the emotions that cancer brings to light.

"As a counselor, I learned that I can't "fix" people's problems, but I can be with them while they deal with those problems," she says. "The same is true for caregivers. Nothing they can do will "fix" cancer. But if they take care of themselves and their patient, they will be better people and better caregivers."

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©2006 Texas Medical Center

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